Today started so so.

I did lady stuff like booking some concert tickets for me and the big man. Sorting out house admin. Walking the dogs where you step in another dogs’ shit.. blah blah blah… then we get to dad after washing said shoes!

When I get dad up I lay out his clothes every day. They go like this, similar to a small child. Bed made with pants then trousers then top laid out… a simple system one may think. Not for the dementia kind! 5 minutes of mumbling whilst I am trying to pay dads’ bills, organise carers etc and he calls me in. Now to set the picture I will say that he went in with nothing but pyjama bottoms on. Today was another of those ‘no shower needed as I am saving water’ days. I forgot to also mention that the heat in there was unbearable, not to mention the smell, as someone (Christ knows who) has cranked the heating up to 32…. it’s 25 today?! I did ask who but as usual all is denied! So back to clothes and back to going to see why I am being called in. I am presented with jeans on back to front. Pants on the floor. How he had managed I have no idea but the top button was done up presenting me with his hairy arsehole.

Clearly I find the whole thing deeply entertaining but he does not. So jeans off. Pants handed back and once again left him with very very very clear instructions. And don’t forget that’s he’s still wearing his door fob and appears to have slept with it on his little finger again. It’s become our comfort blanket!

So I go back to daddy admin which is neverfuckingending. This time he comes out with the original pyjama bottoms on back to front. I said they were excellent so grabbed a fleece and left him to start breakfast. That was shit too as he dropped a large amount on the floor and then simply scooped it up and ate it… what doesn’t kill you right? Just like a small child I am hoping that his immune system is thanking me.

So you can see how windows Wednesday started. Why windows? So I decided to clean the windows because it begins with a ‘W’. Why oh why oh fucking why do I do these things. Last week I attacked the blinds; one broke. Thankfully I don’t believe I am capable of breaking glass but I broke into a menopausal sweat due to being south facing chez Holder and had to stop and now my catholic guilt needs to finish the job! God help me. Oh and I lost my car in the Tesco car park again this week….

So windows left (for the moment) as I had more dad admin to do which includes a trip to the barber where I currently write… speed typing demon that I am. Now I called dad on my way to town (for the second time today) and asked him to meet me at the bank. 2 reasons. Firstly because he can’t withdraw money as he can’t remember his pin and secondly because he can always find it. Cue me looking like a twat calling dad waiting for 20 minutes in the bloody bank. Yes you bright sparks I called his phone. Clearly dementia enables you to leave it at home so I thought that maybe, just maybe, he may have gone directly to the barbers. I wandered round and there is was/is sitting in the chair looking very pleased with himself. Again they recognise him which is a blessing in itself because they are Turkish and his English is painfully shit nowadays. Must have been an interesting mix of hand gestures when he arrived alone… so here I am he’s shaved, trimmed and face washed which looks akin to waterboarding in dads current position but remembering the lack of shower I say it’s a win win today!

So dad stands up in a completely different outfit to the one I left him in; Mr Benn remember?! No wallet to pay but that’s why I am here right?!?!

Lord only knows what service he requested with his gesturing but £27 later… and would you believe it no cash.. off we go to the bank which is where the journey should have started all along.

So if you see me walking to the bank at the rate of a sloth note that I am accompanied by dementia dad who only has 2 speeds; Ferrari or sloth. Today we got the latter. The other windows will simply have to wait. Gin and tonic and dog walk coming up for me this evening…