I get bloated. TMI you say? Maybe you eat too many carbs? Well readers you can piss off…..but today whilst I was bored and had 5 minutes to spare, I decided to investigate juicing.

SHUT THE FRONT F**KING DOOR..

Now here is where it went wrong from the start. I opened a web chat with the company (obviously because I am so 2019 mofos!!) to investigate the situation a little further.

Now I have jeff all will power. 0%. Frankly I just want to see if I can do it. Deep down inside I have issues before we even start; caffeine. I cannot live without espresso. I can’t abide instant coffee and as for those French pressy things (cafetière??) Yuk!! Forget milk and all those fancy ones just espresso!

So… we open the chat and I am ogling the ‘simple juice’ which has 7 bottles, at which I was now wincing because I envisaged a mere 24 hours on this journey. Accompanying said 7 are 2 smaller members which have something which is meant to replace caffeine. NOT!

So I type. ‘Hi there …does one eat on this juice and as there are only 7 bottles how many days is this for’. Now I should have guessed by her delayed response that she was literally rolling around on the floor pissing herself (it was a woman by the way as she gave me her name and had a picture!!) at my stupidity. ‘No’ she typed back. ‘You consume said 7 bottles in 3 days but can take it into 4 if you so wish’. Hmmm is what I typed but I really meant are you fucking serious!?

Onto the next question.

Can I have coffee. Her reply this time was lightening speed; NO.

Can I smoke/drink….Now I was being serious in asking all these questions as I like to be super informed on everything. I was the child at school that asked the questions. I always tell my kids and used to tell my employees in the past that there is no such thing as a stupid question and I live by this! Best to ask and to be informed and all that.

So here we are.

The cost is £70 (plus P&P) and apparently the juice is delivered in glass (go go eco warriors!!) and then the empties are collected. I did want to ask how in air miles and petrol we were helping the environment when they offer to collect the glass too (madness I know!!) but I refrained from such typed questions.

So the total thought of 5 minutes of madness would mean that I would be £70+ lighter for some juiced fruit and veg and some cow yak sperm thingy to keep my hunger at bay. I added this in with some of my worries which are as follows:

1. My caffeine withdrawals that I suffer from (yes yes it’s bad and addictive I know!!)
2. My lack of gin/booze
3. How/when would I actually fit this into my life
4. If I don’t consume enough calories during the day I could be convicted of murder aka Hangry!
5. My will power in general which is frankly 0%
6. Would I pass out from hunger
7. Will I have bad breath from not eating gum!?
8. Would I bite my nails/pull out my eyelashes from hunger pains
9. What would my poo be like?
10. Would I get the shits and then could not take anything due to my new 3 day life style!?
11. That I genuinely cannot be arsed with such silliness

So I concluded to keep my silly little lady thoughts and my £70 to myself safely tucked away in my lady brain. I felt smug knowing that I have saved the planet by someone not having to deliver and collect some glass bottles. I have decided that my teeth were given to me for a reason. I have decided that for me to go without food for more than about 4 hours is a very bad decision unless I move to a yurt in outer Mongolia where I cannot harm nor offend those around me. I have concluded that juicing is for others and that I appreciate food wayyyyy too much. I know that I have no will power whatsoever but in those 5 minutes of craziness I realised that I already knew these things about myself but it was fun while it lasted.